"I want to dance always, to be good and not evil, and when it is all over, not to have the feeling that I might have done better." - Ruth St.Denis

I miss dancing...dancing studies that is, not barre exercises. They bore me out. What's the difference between dancing at the barre and in the centre? Well, at the barre, it is only a practice, an exercise. In the centre, it's presentation time. Dance your heart out, the stage is all yours and the audience are out for you to attract.

I know I haven't been updating. Frankly, I don't see the point in updating this blog. It's half-dead already.

I've been down, I know everyone knows that. It's obvious ain't it? It's not only about the results. Failing doesn't really matter to me. Failing the subjects I used to be good at and failing the subjects that I actually studied for, now that's really depressing. I've been having headaches which just keep coming back and I can't sleep at night (insomia??)and I've been feeling really fat and bloated so I'm eating all sorts of healthy food and I'm going CRAZY because I'm not getting my daily intake of sugar and I'm seriously on the verge of loosing control of myself and I'm wishing I could get into a fatal accident or get a terminal illness and am dying. I once dreamt that I was suffering from dementia and boy, the sorrow I had when I woke up to find that in reality, I'm not suffering from anything at all! And I've been really really easy to irritate and I get angry easily and oh, did I mention I've been crying a lot lately? And yada yada yada. "Self-pity is an indulgence" Sister Yu said that in The Bonesetter's Daughter. So. I shan't continue in my self-pitying. What's the point?

I've been trying very very hard not to swear or cuss because I'm not suppose to.Have any idea how hard that is? I can't say the "f" word which I'm so used to saying, I can't make up my own swear phrases to hurt someone, I can't even say any four letter words!!And what's annoying me (to put it across nicely) is the fact that some people say they love God and still swear. What's up with that?

Why do I get so gloomy in the morning? Because I can't stand SOME people in the mornings. Who are these people? Go figure. I shan't say names here.

//sometimesilookatyouandiwonderhowyoucancallyourselfachristianandthatyoulovegodbecausesomethingsyoudototallydisgustmewhatsortofchristianareyouwhenyoudosuchthingsyoudisappointmeseriously...//

I am bored. So allow me to share this little speech in Shakespear's book, Twelfth Night. I thought it was really interesting.

*If music be the food of love, play on,
Give me excess of it, that, sufeiting,
The appetite may sicken and so die.
That strain again! It had a dying fall.
O, it came o'er my ear like the sweet sound
That breathes upon a bank of violets,
Stealing, and giving odour. Enough, no more!
'Tis not so sweet now it was before.*
-O spirit of love, how quick and fresh art thou,
That, notwithstanding thy capacity
Receiveth as the sea, nough enters there,
Of what validity and pitch soe'er,
But falls into abatement an dlow price.
Evenin a minute. So full of shapes is fancy
That it alone is high fantastical.-
- Orsino, Twelfth Night

This is based on how I interpret the above. It may not be accurate.

* Orsino is lovesick but he enjoys his suffering. In other words, he enjoys self pity. In this part, he says that like music, excess love makes him sick of it. Then he goes to talk about the music he hears. ("That strain again!") Strain means tune.At the last two lines, he gets sick of the music he hears.
- Orsino here then talks about how lovers are so hungry for each other that other good things in life lose their value. They are blind and are trapped in their own intense and fertile imagination. ("That it alone is high fantastical"). Fantastical means imaginative or fickle. "Fancy" in this context refers to love. "Validity and pitch" refers to value and excellence.

- #67

Today someone jumped at Blk 96. Kind of shocking actually, the blood stains are still there...very faint but there...I wonder what'll happen to the family? And all those relatives and friends? If I do the same, what will happen?

Anyway, went shopping for shoes with Cartan. Not a good experience because the high heels just ain't comfortable to walk in...THANK GOODNESS I DIDN'T SLIP!!! Yup, then anyway, dad said I should go buy a pair of shoes like the one I'm wearing for grad nite. I'll buy a black one. Haha, with a more secure heel and more comfortable to wear so that I won't be getting blisters like I did today. How many? 2. Wow. But I guess, it'll help in pointe work. More blisters, better. Then I won't be getting so many blisters in the future when I'm doing more heavy pointe work, since my dance studies are in pointe...

Tomorrow maths. Haiz. I don't want to go for maths lesson. Youth mission is just plain crap. And I don't look forward to The Annoying Loy's speech...yucks and so much more. I DON'T WANT TO GO BACK TO SCHOOL! Argh!

But what choice do I have? Haiz. For more information about today, look at cartan's blog.

- #67

I'm going out tonight- I'm feelin' alright
Gonna let it all hang out
Wanna make some noise-really raise my voice
Yeah, I wanna scream and shout
No inhibitions-make no conditions
Get a little outta line
I ain't gonna act politically correct, I only wanna have a good time
The best thing about being a woman is the prerogative to have a little fun and...
Oh, oh, oh, go totally crazy-forget I'm a lady
Men's shirts-short skirts
Oh, oh, oh, really go wild-yeah, doin' it in style
Oh, oh, oh, get in the action-feel the attraction
Color my hair-do what I dare
Oh, oh, oh, I wanna be free-yeah, to feel the way I feel
Man! I feel like a woman!
The girls need a break-tonight we're gonna take
The chance to get out on the town
We don't need romance-we only wanna dance
We're gonna let our hair hang down
The best thing about being a woman is the prerogative to have a little fun and...
Oh, oh, oh, go totally crazy-forget I'm a ladyMen's shirts-short skirts
Oh, oh, oh, really go wild-yeah, doin' it in style
Oh, oh, oh, get in the action-feel the attraction
Color my hair-do what I dare
Oh, oh, oh, I wanna be free-yeah, to feel the way I feel
Man! I feel like a woman!
The best thing about being a woman is the prerogative to have a little fun and...
Oh, oh, oh, go totally crazy-forget I'm a lady
Men's shirts-short skirts
Oh, oh, oh, really go wild-yeah, doin' it in style
Oh, oh, oh, get in the action-feel the attraction
Color my hair-do what I dare
Oh, oh, oh, I wanna be free-yeah, to feel the way I feel
Man! I feel like a woman!
I get totally crazy, can you feel it?
Come, come, come on baby, I feel like a woman.

- #67

Love, love where can you be?
Are you out there looking for me?
Love, love where can you be?
Love, I am waiting,
Heartbeats accelerating.
Will you come when all is still?
From the river or the hill.
Love, love where can you be?
Love, I am waiting,
Heartbeats accelerating.
Will you come on a Saturday night?
Maybe then the time will be right.
Love, love where can you be?
Love, I am waiting,
Heartbeats accelerating.
When you steal into my room,
What earthly body will you assume?
Love, love where can you be?
Love, I am waiting,
Heartbeats accelerating...

- #67

And I thought people knew about the Trocks already, well...it doesn't seem so. Whee~ I'm glad I watched it because it's just absolutely marvellous. Just...marvellous. I mean, sure it's got all the moves and the solos and stuff, but there's also humour, something that lacks so much in today's performances. Humour...things like a dancer came on stage and slipped on purpose and quickly got up to dance, or how the swan was dying yet trying to paste back all her, or should I say his? Feathers that had fallen onto the floor...and sudden jazz moves in between the ballet movements...I'd have to say, if they do produce a video out, I'd rush to buy it.

Anyway, the Trocks are on their way to Hong Kong. And Sunday seems so boring all of a sudden. The one thing that woke me up is well, reading 'Bloody Mary' on fictionpress.net. It's such a good story I wonder why the author didn't make it into a book! I'm not talking about the mirror ghost Bloody Mary, it's a story of this girl called Mary (duh!) who experiences Stigmata and she meets Lureal and Jacob and parents who believe she is suicidal. Well...it's got a very sad ending. Lureal kills Jacob (who surprising is actually a human and not an angel since he knew so much) when the bullet was meant to kill Mary. At the ending, Mary encourages Lureal to ask for forgiveness from the Lord and be saved.

It makes you ponder whether people like these exist. People like Lureal? Sure. I see them everywhere. But people like Jacob...that's a rare person. So rare he ought to be kept in the museum...what is the world coming to? The end, duh. With all the fighting and the war, I'm not surprise if this is going to be Judgment Day.

I want to buy Silent Hill 4!!Yet, maybe not. Firstly, it's gonna be expensive, secondly, it's going to be very frightening and of course, the level of difficulty would have increased by then. But check out the trailer! Way cool graphics, bloody and gory, yeah well, a trademark of Silent Hill...but very good storyline though a bit...farfetched. It reminds me of one of the shows I watched before, the one where the guy could see numbers on the victim before they become the whichever-number-that-appears-on-their-forehead victim of this couple.

Exams are here yet there are so many things I want to do. Haiz. Whatever.

- #67

*You ask me who do I say that you are and I say that you are the Christ, Son of the Living God...*

Today, studied. Yesterday, studied. Everyday, I'm studying. What a life. But amidst all these, things are happening. Sure is eventful. Am I being sarcastic?

Go figure.

How history can repeat itself...wow...and suddenly, I realize I ain't the only one facing such stuff...

Think I'll end. I just don't really feel like writing down stuff now. Heh.

- #67

*** I wonder if that msg is for me? Hmm...but anyway, just speaking in general...to tell you the truth, I'm not really waiting really hard...perhaps you will, perhaps you won't...I really don't know... And no one's really not worth my time, that I can tell you. But all I can do is to pray and let you know I'm here...I'm just mainly keeping myself open to you so that you know when you need someone you can turn to me...Don't feel bad for not responding to me, I don't expect you to if you're uncomfortable...yup...I'm just keeping my friendship open. Well...take care always! Don't do it though it relieves your sadness...how can doing it help your situation? It's only a means of running away from reality...but the choice is yours...***

//Whee~ How much I've seen you grown...from someone so childish and sheltered to one that's starting to experience the outside world. I never thought it would actually happen to you yet these always happens to everyone. I'm glad you're going to learn from it and be stronger, yupyup. You can do it! Haha..if all of us has gone through it before and still manage to stand on our feet to face your *arhem* 'rubbish' as you term it as, chances are, you'll pull through as well. Haha...letting go ain't easy, relapsing always occurs, nevertheless, you can do it! Trust in God that he will never put you through beyond what you can handle. Take care!//

I'm bored. Hence I'm gonna write these down for entertainment's sake (Evanescence rocks!):

"Maybe you say you still want me,
Maybe you say that you don't,
Maybe we say that it's over,
Baby, I can't let you go."

"Wonder Boy, what is the secret of your power?
Wonder Boy, won't you take me far away from the mucky-muck man?"

"Let's do the timewarp again! Let's do the timewarp again!
It's just a jump to the left and then a step to the right.
With your hands on your hips, you bring your knees in tight.
But it's the pelvic thrust that really drives you insane.
Let's do the timewarp again! Let's do the timewarp again!"

"So go on and scream, scream at me
I'm so far away, I won't be broken again.
I've got to breathe, I can't keep going under."

"My wounds cry for the grave
My soul cries for deliverance
Will I be denied, Christ, tourniquet, my suicide?"

"Fallen angels at my feet, whispered voices at my ear
Death before my eyes, lying next to me I fear
She beckons me, shall I give in?
Upon my end, shall I begin?
Forsaking all I've fallen for I rise to meet the end..."

"What I got to do to make you love me?
What I got to do to make you care?
What do I do when lightning strikes me and to wake to find that you're not there?
What I got to do to make you want me?
What I gotta do to be heard?
What do I say when it's all over?
Sorry seems to be the hardest word.
It's sad, so sad, it's a sad sad situation
And it's getting more and more absurd.
It's sad, so sad, why can't we talk it over?
Oh, it seems to me that sorry seems to be the hardest word..."

"It's just one of those days where you don't wanna wake up,
Everything is fucked, everybody sucks.
You don't really know why but you wanna justify, ripping someone's head off.
No human contact and if you interact, your life is on contract.
Your best bet is to stay away, motherfucker,
It's just one of those days.
It's all about the he said she said bullshit.
I think you better quit letting shit slip or you'll be leaving with a fat lip.
It's all about the he said she said bullshit,
I think you better quit talking that shit."

"Oh my love, please don't cry.
I'll wash my bloody hands and we'll start a new life.
I don't know much at all, I don't know wrong from right.
All I know is that I love you tonight."

"You're always there in my thoughts.
But that doesn't mean that it's on."

"And there's a million of us just like me,
Who curse like me; who just don't give a fuck like me,
Who dress like me; walk, talk and act like me
And just might be the next best thing but not quite me!
'Cause I'm slim shady, yes, I'm the real shady,
All you other slim shadys are just imitating,
So won't the real slim shady please stand up, please stand up, please stand up?

"He said, ' I've been to the year 3000,
Not much is changed but they live underwater.
And your great, great, great granddaughter is pretty fine.' "

"(Come on) Sing with me (Sing)
For the years (Sing it),
For the laughter, sing for the tears.
Sing with me just for today,
Maybe tomorrow the Good Lord will take you away..."

- #67

"I'm lying here on the floor where you left me,
I think I took too much.
I'm crying here, what have you done?
I thought it would be fun.
I can't stay on your life support, there's a shortage in the switch.
I can't stay on your morphine 'cause it's making me itch.
I said I tried to call the nurse again but she's being a little bitch.
I think I'll get out of here, where I can run,
Just as fast as I can
To the middle of nowhere,
To the middle of my frustrated fear
And I swear, you're just like a pill.
Instead of making me better, you're making me ill,
You're making me ill..."

- "Just like a pill" by Pink

Studied for a freaking 6 HOURS with Carlene at Macs...oh my goodness, I swear I thought I'll never make it through alive...but hey! I'm here! And kicking and living and still having a life holding the Unidentified Flying Spoon (Inside joke btw... *arhem* Anyway, see Beel? Go get another life, don't try to steal my eventful life of flying the UFS!)

Anyway, the only amusing thing, AMUSING mind you, that happened was tt some guy asked for my phone number 3 times...how desperate can he get? And the best part, he SMOKED. Like nobody's business. And he's so ugly! It looks as though his face is smashed by the wall or something, sheesh! Yarh...so....tt's the only thing tt entertained me and kept me alive throughout...the fact tt the guy is just so persistent to get my phone number. And he forgot tt I am capable of seeing from the corners of my eyes so that him always turning his head towards us is not unnoticeable. Man, I should just ask him to go get a life.

On to other stuff...I reflected a lot today, after what Carlene said..hmm...I know I've made several mistakes that can only be my fault...and these mistakes are just so foolish...how can I ever make them? Sometimes I just repeated my mistakes and in the end, I hurt so many people...their scars cannot be taken away all because of my mistake...I can't help this. Maybe I really am under stress. Maybe I really am under the work of the devil...but I really got to swear to put my message across because I realize tt when I don't swear, ppl just don't take me seriously. And I must have this out before Carlene start seeing lines on my arm and disown me.

I know I've been a bitch these few months, in fact this whole year...and for that, I really am sorry...and I hate it that when I say sorry and that when I promised myself one thing, I can never fulfil tt promise. And yet, I hardly break my promises for others. Why? I said I will never be foolish enough to jump into things and yet I did. I said I will never trust someone in an instant and yet I did. I said I will try my best not to hurt others and yet I did. And what I hated most about myself is the fact that I build deep bonds with everyone I meet, even if it's for the first time. Unless I don't like the person that is...and it is this that caused me to be so blind to what lies ahead. Why am I so gullible? Why am I so fuckingly stupid as to be so damn blind to the fact that some relationships will never work out no matter how much fucking effort I put in because the other party won't bother? Because in the end, what the hell did I get? Nothing but pain and a lesson I've learnt over and over again. And because of that fuckingly deep bond, it's just so damn hard to get out of the persistent hope that the other party will one day reciprocate my efforts, it's so damn hard to get over the pain of losing someone, even if that someone is a stranger. I'm sick of this shit. I thought I was ready to be myself and to be vulnerable in front of others so that others can understand me but guess what? They don't. They don't even take me seriously. Ok, so I tend to talk shit but come on, I still am a human. Ok, so I'm just a fucking freak here whom people want to shun. Then shun. I don't want people to pretend to be my friend when they aren't. I'd rather have no friends than to have fake friends. People say they understand what it's like to be me. But do you really understand? How can you understand what it's like to be me when I don't even understand myself? How can you so confidently say that you know what it's like to be me when you are never me? You will never be me. In my situation, yes. But never me. And so you'll never fully understand what it's like to be me. In my mind. In my body. In my soul. Whatever shit.

Though honestly...I wonder how can anyone like someone like me? How can anyone still stay friends with someone like me? Yes, I'm paranoid and I'm insecure. And I'm temperamental and moody and hurtful. Because in my eyes, I'm just a pile of shit with no goals and no purpose. Sure I pray and read the bible and try to find my calling but sometimes I'm just so lost as to who the hell am I. I don't even know myself. I can't describe myself at all because I don't know myself. How can I ever be precious in anyone's eyes? Sometimes I wonder if Him dying on the cross for me is a mistake, because I'm just not worth it. Why forgive me when I'm bound to sin? Why love me when I'm bound to cause hurt? Sometimes when I ask people what is so special about me, they hesitate for long periods of time...why? Why can't they answer such a simple question?

Whatever people...maybe I'm getting too paranoid and stressed up for my own good. In which case, I'd better go. I've wasted enough of your time here and for that I can only say I'm sorry for wasting your time.

- #67

//Sometimes I wonder why you do this. Sometimes I wonder what you'll do in my position. Most of the times, I wonder if you care. Do you really care? I'm tempted to believe that you do but I just don't know what to believe in anymore. What I believe in so strongly once was what has hurt me the most. And what I subconsciously believe in, that's what I should have had strongly believed in it. I'm sorry if I hurt you when I rejected your chocolate. I didn't mean it because I really didn't know why you pass me some object all of a sudden without telling me why. And I only knew why when I talked to Carl. Then again, is the reason for giving me the chocolate the same as hers? I don't dare to make assumptions anymore. I don't dare to talk to you because I don't know how to handle you. I don't even dare to make eye contact with you or even look at you because I'm afraid of showing you too much of my emotions. It sounds stupid and even unbelievable. But yarh. So I'm avoiding you, that I'll say it out in the open. Maybe you're too scared to talk to me. Maybe you're uncertain. I don't know. But I don't blame you. Everyone says I'm difficult and they are right. I am difficult even to myself. So if you want to break all ties with me, I don't mind because I can understand why. Just tell me when you want to do so. //

I slacked the whole day, now feeling guilty.Swell...read through my diaries and honestly, I can say that my life's been better than last year, really. All thanks to those who stood by me always...

But, I'm going back to it again.

Oh no.

I sound so dead.

Alright. On to more meaningful stuff. I missed everyone today, everyone except for some...who? Hmm...I guess I shan't say. Go figure. I missed everyone especially her. Wish she was back in council because I feel like such a loser as a head. Wish she was back to boost the council because it's breaking apart. Wish she was here to yell at the teachers who took the council for granted because I realize my one mistake- not bonding the council. Now, all council members are virtually strangers to one another...and it's all my fault. I wish I could turn back time and correct all my mistakes. And it's only when I met her yesterday did I realize how much I really miss her. Her and all the other council seniors...I wish they were back in school, I miss having meetings and doing works with them...all the nonsence and the dirty talks, my goodness...those really pollute me. In one way or another. Haha...

Today I prayed that the rain will stop and the sun will shine, that the emptiness will be filled and the loneliness will be taken, that I will let go of my fears and the lingering pain, that I will forgive all who has hurt me and be compassionate to those that come my way, that I will have patience to tolerate those that gets on my nerves and the wisdom to foresee circumstances, that I will be able to get a fatal sickness and shorten my life span because I feel safe and secure lying in my coffin, knowing nothing and no one can hurt me and that I will never wake up when I close my eyes...Let me stop being a burden to everyone in my life.

- #67